My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
