I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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