32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
