Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
