This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
