The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
