for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
