at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
