"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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