The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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