I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
