he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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