i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
