she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
