She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think people are normalizing furries
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
