Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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