Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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