Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
