he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
