Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
