Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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