she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
