woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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