Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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