my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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