come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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