You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
