Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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