I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize