Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
