His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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