i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
