Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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