i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
