I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
