I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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