dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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