He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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