I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
