cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
