I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
