just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
