We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
