I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
