I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
