I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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