Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
