Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just pee around me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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