i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
