I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
