wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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