How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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