when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
