Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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