you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
