Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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