am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
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