Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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