He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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