My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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