Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize