fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
