so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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